A Practical Blueprint for Dealing with Difficult Situations

“You have power over your mind
– not outside events. Realise this,
and you will find strength.”
MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS

What is ‘self-control’?

Collins Dictionary defines Self-control as:
“the ability to not show your feelings, or not do the things that your feelings make you want to do”.

So, it is about two distinct but related things; (1) keeping a ‘poker face’ in those situations where it would be unhelpful to reveal what you truly feel e.g., looking nervous in a job interview, and (2) controlling your impulses e.g., not eating a second piece of cake if you are watching your weight, or not yelling at your kids if they do something that annoys you.

This is not to be confused with ‘self-repression’ (i.e., the blocking, or denial of emotions, thoughts or memories) – with self-control we are fully aware of what we are feeling, it is just that we choose to (1) not show, and/or (2) not to give in, to those feelings.

Don’t react, respond

Self-control doesn’t mean that you can’t tell people what you think and feel – it just means that you do it at a time, place, and manner of your choosing. The adage for capturing this idea in a soundbite is, ‘don’t react, respond’. Based on the teachings of Stoicism, this expression encapsulates several important ideas; (i) Pausing before acting, (ii) Processing emotions, (iii) Considering consequences, and (iv) Choosing a deliberate response.

Self-control and you!

People are like snowflakes; we’re all the same, but we’re also all unique.
Fingerprints are an obvious example of this; we all have fingerprints, but no one’s fingerprints are the same as anyone else’s. What that means for a topic like Self-Control is, that although there are general principles, the ‘trick’ is to work out how to make those general principles apply to you, as a unique human being. So, one person may struggle to exercise self-control over what they eat, while another person might find it easy to make good food choices, but may struggle with staying focused on completing important tasks etc.

Why a ‘Poker Face’ matters

A Poker Face is a neutral demeanour that does not reveal your emotional state. The ability to not show your feelings matters because when someone offends you, or they say something you think is foolish, or ‘wrong-headed’, it is very easy for that irritation/exasperation/boredom etc. to (briefly) show up in your facial expression or tone of voice e.g., eye rolling, frowning, shaking your head, sighing etc. We sometimes call these unguarded or unfiltered reactions Emotional Leakage (poker players call them ‘tells’). The other person will most certainly spot the ‘tell’ and respond accordingly, usually by feeling hurt/ threatened/belittled and closing down emotionally. If you are a leader, your ‘tells’ might diminish the ‘emotional safety’ felt by your team and drive a lack of engagement.

The impact can be just as unhelpful when the ‘leakage’ concerns self-doubt, anxiety or worry – as this will cause people to lack confidence in your ability and maybe to reject your suggestions. In the case of dealing with a bully, or aggressive behavior, it may well encourage the other person to be even more hostile as they press home their perceived advantage.

So, (in our professional lives) we are generally seeking to have an iron discipline over the control of our body language and to display either positive, or neutral signals, most of the time.

Why impulse control matters

The ability to control your impulses matters because if we do whatever we feel like in the moment we may well end up saying or doing something that profoundly damages our relationships or harms our interests.

For example, if you consistently choose going out for drinks with colleagues – which is great fun – over (say) going to night school classes to get an extra qualification – which is interesting but less fun than socialising – then you might not get the promotion or pay rise that you were hoping for.

In terms of managing a conversation, Dr George J. Thompson (1941- 2011), who wrote the bestselling book, “Verbal Judo the Gentle Art of
Persuasion”, famously used to say that, “if it feels good to say something during an argument – don’t say it!”, as you will almost certainly be giving voice to something that will inflame the situation. In essence, we can give vent to our feelings freely and fully, or we can achieve our goals, but we can’t do both.

Why selfcontrol is difficult

Self-control is hard because our evolutionary biology gets in the way. This is true for two main reasons, (i) the Fight/Flight Syndrome, and (ii) a focus on short-term gains.

We are programmed to react to threats (a tiger, a rock fall etc.) by triggering the fight/flight syndrome. The fight/flight syndrome prepares the body to either confront the threat – by either fighting/opposing it (fight) or escaping from it (flight). When triggered, stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol are released into the body causing a wide range of affects e.g., raised blood pressure, rapid breathing, slowed digestion etc. These changes help with immediate physical action, but they inhibit clear thinking, and with modern threats, which are mostly psychological rather than physical (e.g., social conflict, money worries, workplace stress) it’s clear thinking that really matters. So, we need to find ways to ‘switch off’ the fight/flight syndrome when it occurs.

We also have an inbuilt desire to value quick, immediate, short-term gains over long-term gains. Our ancestors lived in uncertain times where the future was unpredictable. This made delaying gratification risky because they couldn’t be sure of future rewards. Choosing immediate rewards helped them survive and meet their immediate needs, such as finding food and shelter. This behaviour has shaped human decision-making processes today. The temptation to forego a future benefit for something that gives instant pleasure is strong, because our brains are wired to prefer a small reward now, over a much bigger reward later. So, we avoid the temporary discomfort of an awkward conversation, or going to the gym, (so we feel comfortable right now) and allow a bad situation to go unchecked until it grows into a major issue.

The Poker Face

Three ways to mask your feelings

To develop a neutral expression, you can engage in several practical exercises that help train your facial muscles and enhance your ability to maintain a composed demeanour. Here are three techniques for helping to develop this skill…

Mirror Practice – Stand in front of a mirror and practice maintaining a neutral expression. Release tension in your facial muscles. Relax your jaw and lower your tongue from the roof of your mouth. Relax your face, soften your eyes, and avoid any tension. Check for frowns or other involuntary expressions. Next, gently massage your facial muscles in circular motions. Focus on areas like the jaw, cheekbones, and forehead to loosen tight muscles and improve circulation, which can enhance your ability to shift between expressions smoothly. This will help you become aware of your natural expressions and adjust them accordingly.

Fake it to Make it – which involves acting as if you already possess the skills you want to acquire. Like an actor playing a part on a stage. The idea is that by pretending to be (say) confident – then in time you become confident. In this case the ‘role’ is that of a person with poise and self-control. Say, for example, that you know that on Teams/Zoom calls you can get distracted and look bored and uninterested – something that really annoys your boss, then you might consciously play the role of an attentive, focused, unemotional, meeting participant. So, all the time in the Teams/Zoom meeting – especially when you’re not directly involved in the conversation – you play the part of the fully engaged, self-controlled, and supportive audience member.

The Bullet Proof Glass method – this technique asks that, at the start of a conversation, you imagine a sheet of ‘bullet proof glass’ between you and the other person. Through the ‘glass’ barrier you can see and hear what’s happening, but any irritating or challenging behaviour can’t touch you because the negative energy ‘bounces off’ the protective glass. So, you can calmly respond to what the person is saying without being affected by any annoying behaviour. This psychological tool is a remarkably powerful method for blocking the other person’s ability to provoke you into an emotional reaction.

Three ways to control your impulses

Here are three ways to manage (a) the fight/flight syndrome and (b) the urge to be instantly gratified – at the expense of achieving highvalue, long-term goals. The three ways are, (i) Relaxation Techniques, (ii) Grounding, and (iii) Surf the Urge.

Relaxation Techniques to interrupt or switch off the fight/ flight response. These include Deep Breathing, Progressive Muscle Relaxation and Meditation. So, in more details we have – Deep Breathing: Practice slow, deep abdominal breathing to counteract the shallow, rapid breathing associated with the stress response. For example, try breathing in for a count of 5 and out for a count of 10 – but whatever procedure you use, the out breath must be longer that the in breath. This pattern activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which sends signals from the brain (via the vagus nerve) to various organs, to promote relaxation. Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Systematically tense and relax different muscle groups to reduce physical tension. Aim for 10 minutes of Meditation (of whatever kind you choose e.g., vipassana, mindfulness, transcendental etc.) every day.

Grounding Techniques to move your attention into your immediate environment, which has a calming effect. For example, focus on your environment and (silently, inside your own head), name objects you see; touch or hold onto an object tightly; put weight on your heels to physically connect with the ground.

Surf the urge. As we know, people seek short-term satisfaction, such as checking email or social media constantly, eating rich foods, or finding means for distractions. However, be aware of your impulses for instant gratification and learn to delay acting on them. The core principle of urge surfing is to observe and experience an urge without engaging in the associated behaviour. It’s based on the understanding that urges, like ocean waves, will eventually peak and subside if not acted upon. The steps in the technique are:

1. Identify the urge: Recognise when you’re experiencing a strong desire or craving, or impulse.
2. Observe physical sensations: Pay attention to how the urge manifests
   in your body, such as tension, increased heart rate, or sweating.
3. Focus on breathing: Use your breath as an anchor to stay present and mindful.
4. Ride the wave: Visualise the urge as a wave, acknowledging its intensity as it builds, peaks, and eventually subsides.
5. Maintain curiosity: Approach the experience with a non-judgmental, curious attitude

Putting it all together

Our words and actions can have a significant impact on those around us. Saying whatever we want without regard for others’ feelings can be hurtful and disrespectful. While it’s important to be authentic and express oneself, doing so with consideration for others and awareness of potential consequences leads to more positive outcomes for both individuals and society. Furthermore, while displaying your feelings openly can be helpful in many situations, in other scenarios it can be very damaging to do so. For example, as a parent showing open disapproval of a child’s efforts or being nervous in front of a customer when making a sales pitch or displaying doubt when explaining your business strategy to your team. So, using tools like Mirror Practice, Relaxation and Grounding Techniques to ensure that you are
in control of your (a) expression and (b) urges, is vital to performing at the top level in business and in life.

So what’s next?

How good are you are self-control at the moment? Where could you improve?

Reading

Try reading this one-page handout on how to use the Urge Surfing
Technique.
And/or review this short article on the difference between reacting
versus responding.

Workshop

Consider signing up your managers to our 4-hour-long, in-company
Developing Emotional Intelligence Workshop, run either as a face-to-face
session, or as a Virtual Training Event.

Contact

Or give us a call on 0844 394 8877 (UK) or email us at
coaching@boulden.net and we’ll be happy to discuss how we can work
with you.
So, to conclude we end with a quote from Milton…

“He who reigns within himself, and
rules passions, desires, and fears, is
more than a king.”
MILTON

“A coach is someone who tells you what you don’t want to hear, who has to see what you don’t want to see, so you can be who you have always known you could be.”
TOM LANDRY (US Football coach)

What is ‘Executive Coaching’?

There’s a lack of agreement about precise definitions, when it comes to coaching in general and Executive Coaching in particular, but it typically involves a senior manager, working on a ‘one to one’ basis with a professional coach, to improve some specific aspect of their performance.

David Peterson, Director of Leadership and Coaching at Google, sums it up like this:

“Executive Coaching is one-on-one, relationship based, methodology based, provided by a professional coach, scheduled in multiple sessions over time, goal-oriented for both individual and organizational benefit, customized to the person, and intended to enhance the person’s ability to learn and develop independently.”

When should you use Executive Coaching?

There are many methods for developing top executives (e.g. getting involved in professional bodies, taking training courses, secondments, volunteering etc.) but the highly personalised nature of coaching means that it can be an extremely effective way of building new capabilities in a short time scale. It works well when…

There is a challenging goal to be achieved and the Executive concerned could do with some support e.g. moving into a new business area, or undertaking a restructuring exercise.

There is a ‘gap’ or ‘weakness’ of some kind in an Executive’s capability that needs to be closed for them to perform at the top level e.g. maybe they need help to get better at making inspirational, motivational keynote speeches? Or perhaps they need to be better at the way they handle their relationship with shareholders and other investors.

Needs like this are often identified by the Executive themselves, but in larger organisations they often come out as a result of 360 feedback exercises and/or attendance at Development Centres.

Push Me – Pull You
(choosing the right Coach for you)

One of the most contentious areas when defining Executive Coaching concerns the issue of directive vs. non-directive approaches.

In Directive Coaching the Coach will encourage the Coachee to be introspective and question what they are doing, but they will also provide what we might call ‘content’ suggestions. For example, they might recommend an article, or TEDTALK, or explain a model, or suggest an action.

In Non-Directive Coaching the Coach will only provide what we might call ‘process’ suggestions to the Coachee. For example, they will ask questions (usually as part of a set methodology) that will allow the Coachee to reflect on what they are doing and find their own answers, in their own way, using their own resources. What they won’t do is offer any direct guidance.

Clearly, if you do want some ‘direction’ as part of the coaching, then the Coach you work with should ideally have some expertise in the topic being worked on e.g. Strategic Planning, Team Building, Conflict Management etc. While with process coaching it is sufficient that the Coach is expert in whatever coaching methodology they are planning to use.

It is of course possible to move between approaches, but some Coaches have very definite views on how things should go, so, (if you’re hiring a Coach) it’s worth understanding what type of experience you can expect if/when you work with them.

Who can be an Executive Coach?

Anyone can call themselves an Executive Coach. There are no mandatory qualifications or set of requirements, and coaches are drawn from a very wide variety of backgrounds e.g. Occupational Psychologists, HR professionals, experienced managers/leaders etc.

By 2012 the International Coaching Federation Global Coaching Study reported the number of professional coaches was estimated to be 47,500 worldwide and that number has grown since then. Worldwide the number of coach specific training schools/programs increased from eight in 1995 to over 164 today.

So, it is a crowded marketplace, and it pays to make the time to choose your Executive Coach with care!

Models used by Coaching Professionals

In the same way as definitions of coaching vary, so does the choice of coaching methods and tools used by Executive Coaches. These tools are often the same ones used in counselling interventions, just given a slightly different emphasis. Approaches include Expert Models, Competency Based Models, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Psychometric Based Models, Thinking Sessions, Clean Language Coaching, Rational Emotive Therapy, etc. etc. For the sake of example, let’s review two commonly used approaches in more detail… Solutions Based Coaching and WDEP Coaching…

Solution Centred Brief Coaching (SCBC). This is both a counselling and a coaching methodology. This approach was developed by Steve de Shazer and Insoo Berg, two American social workers, and comes out of the ‘Brief Therapy’ school of psychology.

The method starts by asking what is called the ‘Miracle Question’. This involves asking the person to imagine that (unbeknownst to them) a miracle happens while they are sleeping and the problem or issue they face is resolved overnight. Of course, when they wake up in the morning, they don’t initially know that anything has changed. The question is then – what small thing (or things) they would notice, as they go about their day, that would make them think, “Wow, something must have happened, the problem is gone!”

Next come Scaling Questions to help to quantify the issues involved e.g. On a scale of 1-10 what’s the worst the problem could be and what’s the best it could be? What would it take to move one point up or down the scale? What score would be good enough?

Followed by Exception Seeking Questions, e.g. is there ever a time (or scenario) where the issue doesn’t occur or is minimised?

Then Coping Questions, to show to the Coachee that they are already having some success at handling the issue at hand e.g. “How have you managed so far?”

Next, comes, Problem Free Talk and Solutions Talk, for setting realistic, short term, improvement goals.

WDEP Coaching. This is both a therapeutic and coaching model
developed by William Glasser, based on Reality Therapy techniques. There are four stages…Wants + Doing + Evaluation + Planning; in a little more detail they involve…

1. Wants (What are the person’s wants and needs? What motivates them? What’s important to them?)
2. Doing (What are you currently doing? How are you spending your time? What emotions are you experiencing?)
3. Evaluation (Is what you’re currently doing working? What could you do differently?)
4. Planning (Develop a realistic, measurable plan to improve things.)

The Coaching Contract

A Coaching Contract is a service agreement designed specifically for the coaching relationship, where a professional Coach (as opposed to a Line Manager) is doing the coaching. It is at the heart of making sure that all the parties to a coaching assignment (the Coach, the Coachee, and the Sponsoring Organisation) have clear and aligned expectations of what will happen during the coaching process. They should cover:

Parties to the Coaching – Who will be involved in the coaching? Usually there are three parties. The Coach, the Coachee, and the Sponsor (a company representative who makes sure the coaching delivers results for the business, often the Coachee’s boss or the HR VP).

Coaching Goal – What specifically is the purpose of the coaching? How will success be measured?

The Coaching Process – Where and how does the coaching take place? What’s the expected time frame of the coaching and how long is the time between sessions? What is the policy for rescheduling sessions?

Expectations – What methods, and techniques will be used; what support is offered in-between formal coaching sessions etc.?

Reporting – How is progress captured? Who is entitled to updates e.g., will the Company (if they are paying for the coaching) be given feedback on the progress the Coachee is making?

Confidentiality – What information is deemed to be private and what information can be shared (and under what circumstances)?

Financial Arrangements – Fees, Payment terms, Cancellation policy and refund policy.

The $64,000 Dollar Question

In the USA in the 1950’s there was a quiz show called “The $64,000 Question”, where people answered general knowledge questions – the top prize being $64,000 (about $800,000 in today’s values). In time the ‘$64,000-dollar question’ came to be shorthand for ‘the most important question that needs to be answered’.

So, the $64,000 question for Executive Coaching is, “Is there any evidence that it works?” The answer to that question is “yes”, there are a number of studies that clearly show the benefits of executive coaching…

For example, Smither et al. (2003) conducted an impact study on Executive Coaching. It included 1202 senior managers assessed over two consecutive years. The results showed that multi-source feedback from clients’ supervisors, peers and subordinates, as well as evaluations by independent researchers, was found to be overall more positive for those managers who did work with a Coach. The specific areas of improvement were goal setting, soliciting ideas for improvement, and ratings from direct reports and superiors.

Grant et al. (2009) found that Executive Coaching significantly enhanced goal attainment, resilience and workplace well-being, and reduced depression and stress in healthcare managers in comparison to a wait-list control group.

Theeboom, T., Beersma, B., & van Vianen, A. E. M. (2014) conducted a meta- analysis on ‘Does coaching work?’ and concluded that it has significant positive effects on performance/skills, well-being, coping, work attitudes, and goal- directed self-regulation.

What makes for effective Executive Coaching?

Research suggests that coaching effectiveness is not primarily a function of specific coaching techniques, but the quality of the coaching relationship, based upon empathic understanding, and positive expectations (De Haan et al., 2011 and 2013).

While Blackman et al. (2015) summarised the historical research into coaching effectiveness by highlighting the need to…

• Maintain confidentiality
• Display empathy and acceptance of the Coachee
• Be organised
• Communicate clearly
• Display self-confidence

This suggests that some kind of ‘chemistry check’ is central to ensuring that coaching assignments proceed according to plan!

Putting it all together

Executive Coaching as an activity and a profession is booming. Done well it is an excellent method for developing people in a highly tailored way. However, given all the possible permutations of approaches, methods and techniques, it pays to plan any coaching intervention carefully to make sure that the Coach and the Coachee have a positive experience and the organisation sees an increase in performance!

So what’s next?

Examine your past for how you have used Executive Coaching; either by hiring a coach for yourself, or for a colleague. What has gone well and what could be improved?

Reading

Try reading this HBR Article on The Leader as Coach (Nov- Dec 2019)

Video

Watch this 16-minute-long TED Talk on “Want to get great at something? Get a Coach!” by Atul Gawande

Coaching

Consider signing up your managers to our 4-hour-long, in-company, Feedback & Grow Model Coaching Workshop, run either as a face-to- face session, or as a Virtual Training Event.

Coaching

If you’re a senior executive, maybe a ‘one-to-one’ executive coaching session, or our Remote Coaching Programme, would be a useful option for helping you to develop your skills.

Contact

Or give us a call on 0844 394 8877 (UK) or email us at coaching@boulden.net and we’ll be happy to discuss how we can work with you.

 

So, to conclude we end with a quote from the Harvard Business Review…

“The goal of coaching is good management: to make the most of an organisation’s valuable resources.”

“A coach transports a valued
person from where they are to
where they want to be.”
OLD WEBSTER

What is ‘Coaching’?

Coaching is defined in the dictionary as; “the act of training staff in business (or athletes in a sport).”

That is a broad description, so it’s common for professional organisations to add extra details to explain what precisely they feel good quality coaching involves.

There’s a lack of agreement about precise definitions, but some (more or less) agreed principles are that Coaching is:

• Goal orientated (there is a specific focus, work related, for the desired improvement).
• Short term (when done by managers the focus is usually on making an improvement within minutes, days, or occasionally
  weeks).
• Typically conducted on a ‘one to one’ basis (though ‘group coaching’ is possible).
• Tailored to meet the needs of the individual Coachee.
• Most interventions used by the Coach are open questions which are aimed at stimulating the self-awareness and personal responsibility of the Coachee.

We can sum workplace coaching up like this:
Coaching is one to one, personalised development in the context of improving performance in the workplace.

How did Coaching in the workplace evolve?

Arguably, coaching has been occurring as long as there have been people helping each other to improve their skills. However, the term ‘coaching’ comes from Oxford University in the early 1800’s and refers to the practice of private tutors meeting with students to help prepare them for exams, or to help ‘carry them through an exam’; like a coach (or carriage) and horses takes (or carries) someone to where they want to be. By the mid 1800’s the term also began to be used to describe training in sports as well as education. 1937 sees the first reference to workplace coaching in an academic paper (Gorby). In the 1980s, the use of coaching and mentoring became a more common practice by managers (Crompton, 2012; Evered & Selman, 1989),but it’s in the 1990’s and 2000’s that Coaching as a formal discipline starts to boom.

The Manager as Coach

If they are going to be effective, a manager will need to use several communication styles as they go about their work. This will include giving instructions, consulting (i.e., asking employees what they think), negotiating, abdicating (just letting people get on with a task as they see fit), offering employees advice and, very importantly, coaching.

Coaching can occur with managers engaging employees in either, ‘sit-down’ coaching sessions or informal, ‘on-the-run’ coaching. But either way, taking the time to say to an employee, “let’s just take a moment and reflect on what you’re doing and how we might improve on that approach”, is vital if employees are to be developed to their full potential.

Of course, having coaching conversations are more time consuming than just telling an employee what they are doing wrong (i.e. giving them advice) but the development impact of helping people think through the issues for themselves is huge.

Coaching vs Mentoring vs Counselling

Coaching, mentoring, and counselling are three related and overlapping activities, and (confusingly) the terms are sometimes used interchangeably. When choosing what to do in each situation it’s useful to make a distinction between them, so…

Coaching (as we know) is one to one, personalised development in the context of improving performance in the workplace.

Mentoring is assigning a senior member of staff to assist a junior staff member with their career development.

Counselling is guidance to help people resolve social and personal problems. It is often conducted by a medical professional, but managers can also engage in counselling activities. For example, if someone has clinical depression then counselling with a trained therapist would be the preferred option, but if an employee was experiencing (say) ‘a lack of motivation’ then their manager might well be the one to help them.

How to run a Coaching Conversation

There are two commonly used coaching models for Managers doing routine coaching as part of their everyday work…they are the GROW model and OSCAR. Both can be completed in a session lasting 3 minutes or less, (where a relativity small topic is being addressed) or they can be used as part of a much longer conversation.

Using them well (like any management process e.g., interviewing, problem solving, giving feedback) requires the use of a range of communication skills, such as active listening, empathy, assertiveness etc., but the frameworks themselves are simple enough to apply.

GROW Model Coaching. This approach was made famous by a book by Max Landsberg, called the Tao of Coaching, first published in 1996, and it is probably the most commonly taught coaching methodology. This is the process that is most likely to be used by line managers to coach their staff, ‘on the job.’ There are several different versions of the GROW model, but a standard definition would be to ask the Coachee to consider 4 topics in sequence. Namely:

1. Goal (What specifically do you want to achieve?)
2. Reality (What’s happening right now? What obstacles do you face in
   reaching the goal?)
3. Options (What choices are available for moving forward?)
4. What’s Next or Way Forward (Pick an option(s) and develop an action
   plan, implement, and review results.)

OSCAR Model. The OSCAR coaching model was originally described by Karen Whittleworth and Andrew Gilbert in 2002. The aim of the authors was to develop a model that built upon and enhanced the GROW model, The OSCAR acronym stands for:

1. Outcome (What is the goal of the session?)
2. Situation (What is the Coachee’s current situation?)
3. Choices (What options are available for moving forward and what are
   the likely consequences of each of those choices?)
4. Actions (What are the next steps?)
5. Review (Implement the actions and review the results.)

How to start a Coaching Conversation

Sometimes an employee will ask (directly or indirectly) for coaching support from the manager and then the coaching can flow quite naturally from that request. For example, they might say, “Can I bounce some ideas off you?” or even, “Can you help me with X please?”

On other occasions, however, the manager will be the one initiating the coaching, so it’s worth thinking about how to elegantly segue into a coaching conversation.

Sometimes the conversation will flow such that you can just naturally start the GROW process e.g., they say “X” and you say “Mmm OK, so what specifically are you trying to achieve when you tackle X?”
However, at other times it is necessary to formally initiate a coaching conversation. This involves a two-stage process…

1. If time allows it’s nice to start with a couple of minutes small talk, just to create a relaxed atmosphere. As the manager and the employee generally know each other well this shouldn’t be hard to do.
2. The next step is to ‘signal’ or ‘flag’ that you want to start a coaching conversation e.g., by saying something like…

You know, I have been thinking that it might be helpful if we had a talk about… (how you might handle the upcoming appraisal meetings). How does that sound to you?

I noticed that you seemed a bit uncomfortable when we were talking through (the annual pay rises for your team), would it be useful to chat about how you tell them about what’s been agreed?

So, you’ve got a big event next week (giving a presentation to the Board), would you like some help planning it?

Then, (assuming they say yes) you can flow into the GROW model questions e.g., “OK, so what specifically are you looking to achieve?”

Overcoming a reluctance to being coached

Mostly people are open to a coaching conversation – the aim is after all to help them improve their capabilities, and employees are generally motivated by learning new skills. Sometimes however employees resist coaching and then it is important to think through how to handle that resistance.

As with all problem solving, we start with root cause analysis; so, the first question to ask is, “why doesn’t the employee want to be coached?” Common answers to that question include:

• They feel too stressed/over-worked to even consider the possibility of developing themselves. In which case it’s important to think about how to create some ‘space’ in their calendar to allow for their own development.
• They don’t trust the manager and think that the offer of coaching is some kind of ‘trick’. This is a very awkward situation to deal with, but essentially it involves empathising with the employee and maybe trying humour, storytelling, and self-disclosure to create a more positive atmosphere.
• They think that they are doing fine as they are and don’t need to change what they are doing. This then becomes a question of showing them how they will, in fact, gain from the coaching. It is about explaining how coaching can help them achieve their goals, develop their skills, and enhance their career prospects.

Putting it all together

Coaching drives higher levels of performance; 80% of people who receive coaching report increased self-confidence, and over 70% benefit from improved work performance, relationships, and more effective communication skills. (Source: ICF 2009.) Coaching also improves employee motivation and reduces staff turnover. Consequently, coaching is a key managerial skill and one that needs to be prioritised with the employee/manager relationship. Fortunately, there are simple, easy to implement models (like GROW) that mean that managers can coach almost anytime, anyplace, and anywhere and get outstanding results.

So what’s next?

Examine your past for how you have used coaching as part of your managerial toolbox? What has gone well and what could be improved?

Reading

Try reading this HBR Article on How to Handle Coaching Challenges
(April 2015)

Video

Watch this 3-minute-long video on how to carry out GROW model coaching

Workshop

Consider signing up your managers to our 4-hour-long, in-company, Feedback & Grow Model Coaching Workshop, run either as a face-to-face session, or as a Virtual Training Event.

Coaching

Or, if you have a team of people to develop (your middle managers maybe?) why not take a look at how to develop key skills via peer group coaching using the Action Learning Methodology.

Contact

Or give us a call on 0844 394 8877 (UK) or email us at
coaching@boulden.net and we’ll be happy to discuss how we can work with you.

So, to conclude we end with a quote from John Wooden (American
basketball coach)…

“A coach is someone who can give a
correction without causing resentment.”
JOHN WOODEN

Building High Quality Training Sessions

“The only thing worse than training your employees and having them leave is not training them and having them stay.”
HENRY FORD

A Short History of NLP

Neuro Linguistic Programming – NLP – has its origins in the early 70’s, with John Grinder, who was a professor of Linguistics, and Richard Bandler, a physicist and mathematician.

Bandler was Grinder’s student, and in addition to his studies, he had a part time job editing books and technical journals. One of the books he edited was by Fritz Perls, the father of Gestalt Therapy. While he was doing this Bandler realised that he could model (or analyse) Perls’ methods, and achieve similar results as Perls with patients, despite his lack of true therapeutic training. He involved Grinder in this analysis, and they eventually had a team of researchers who modelled not just Perls, but also other therapists, who were noted for bringing about a change in their patients. One of these therapists was named Virginia Satir, a highly regarded family therapist. As they modelled Satir, Grinder was able to use his linguistic background to label the various questioning skills that Satir used to get patients to reflect on their actions and attitudes and so bring about a change in outlook. These were somewhat technical labels, taken from the language of linguistics – this was called the ‘Meta Model’. The early NLP work was all based on the Meta Model questioning system. Grinder and Bandler then met Milton Erickson, a very well-known hypnotherapist and from him they identified the structure of hypnosis and the ‘language’ of trance.

The Trail of Techniques

As work on NLP continued, the ‘modelling excellence’ process moved beyond understanding counselling and therapeutic interventions to also include top sales, business, and sports professionals.

If fact, one description of NLP is “an attitude and a methodology that leaves behind a trail of techniques”. Where the attitude is curiosity, the methodology is ‘modelling excellent performers’ and the ‘techniques’ are the many and varied ‘tools’ that the modelling uncovers.

For example, David Gordon developed the concept of therapeutic metaphors. Christina Hall further developed the use of language patterns for change. Lesley Cameron Bandler developed the NLP concept of meta programmes (which describe common thinking patterns).

Training Design and Modelling Excellence

Most training design is based on (i) ‘mapping’ or ‘modelling’ what good performance looks like in a given area e.g. selling, leadership, skiing, baking, accountancy etc. and then (ii) assessing people against that ‘gold standard’ before (iii) designing a programme to ‘close the gap’ between current and good performance. With NLP the system most people use to design training events was developed by Robert Dilts and it’s called ‘Neurological Levels’, or sometimes just Logical Levels.

Of course, there are people from other disciplines who have (quite independently of NLP) developed their own methods for modelling excellence. For example, Professor David McClelland (1917-1998) developed the theory of behavioural competencies. His technique involves selecting two samples: people who have been rated as outstanding in their jobs and those who are just average performers. Interviewees are quizzed in-depth about the way they do their work, focusing in particular on occasions when things have turned out well or badly. Transcripts of the interviews are made and each separate behaviour is noted. These “behavioural indicators” are then clustered together into “competencies” that differentiate the two samples. Finally, the competency model is validated using new samples. So, McClelland found out, for example, that good sales people typically exhibit 11 key competencies, which include: Resilience, Seeking Information, Showing Empathy, Driving for Results, Displaying Initiative, and having a Problem-Solving Focus. It is a lot of work (and expensive) to develop competencies in this way, but the results are robust and reliable. Also, for many training projects it’s not necessary to build a whole new model; it is sufficient just to adopt an existing competency profile.

But in NLP we tend to focus on using Dilts system…

Dilts’ Neurological Levels Model

In Dilts’ Neurological levels theory there are five interconnected topics that need to be covered in sequence if a person is to learn a new task or skill effectively.

To develop a model for a particular topic (sales, leadership, presenting etc.) top performers are identified and then interviewed to uncover their responses to the 5 topics. It is also possible to identify published research that can cast light on each of the 5 areas, and that data can also be included in the model.

These 5 topics are:

1. Identity – who the person believes themselves to be; their self-image or role perception.
2. Beliefs – the values and principles that the person applies when carrying out the task in question.
3. Capability – the process that the person uses to carry out the task and the knowledge they possess.
4. Behaviour – what you can actually see or hear the person do when they carry out the task.
5. Environment – where the person carries out the task (e.g. an office, an
   oil rig) and the systems and ‘tools’ that are involved.

Using the Neurological Levels Model

To use the model for training purposes, we decide on a learning goal (e.g. to Develop People Management Skills, to Master Problem Solving Techniques, to Facilitate Sales Meetings etc.) and then model what is required, against each of the 5 levels, to achieve that goal.

Then it’s a question of assessing the delegates against the criteria in each of the 5 levels and deciding what interventions are necessary to raise their capability to the required standard i.e. do the proposed participants need to be trained in all 5 levels, or is it enough to just work on one or two of them?

Of course, there may be some important success factors that the Dilts’ Model (or any other model you might be using) reveals for which training can’t be used to improve people e.g. if there are certain physiological requirements needed for high performance in a given topic, for instance, some sports require people to possess exceptionally good eye sight, or an extraordinary lung capacity etc. and you are either born with that attribute or you’re not. The same is true for innate intelligence, some people are just smarter than others, and if the task requires a high level of intellectual capacity (e.g. a brain surgeon, or maths professor) then you have the necessary IQ or you don’t. However, for most tasks, most people can be helped to improve their performance with the appropriate training programme.

The 5 Levels In-depth

1 Identity

We begin by considering the Identity (or role perception) that a person needs in order to be effective at a given activity i.e. what does the person think they should be trying to do?

For example, effective managers think of themselves as “achieving results through the effective use of resources (classically those resources are; men and women, money, methods, machines and materials).”

Poor managers, in contrast, may want to get results, but they don’t identify themselves as doing this by positioning the resources they have available to do the work: they want to do the work themselves. So, for the expert manager, involving staff in decision making is important because their knowledge is a resource that can be drawn upon to get good results. To the inexpert manager, involving staff is a time-consuming nuisance that gets in the way of prompt action.

So, in this instance, training would begin with a conversation about what the manager’s role is about, and why it is important to have clarity around what the primary focus of the role should be.

2 Beliefs

Once the issue of Identity has been addressed the next step is to move onto the subject of beliefs. In the first few years of life people make decisions about the rules by which they will live their lives. As they grow older they become only dimly aware of these ‘rules’ or ‘beliefs’ but they still apply them to their home and work life. Sometimes the beliefs that people have directly contradict the requirements of being effective at some task or activity. When this happens, the person can understand what he/she should be doing but finds himself/herself unable to apply ‘good’ practice.

For example, some beliefs of expert problem solvers include:

• Take the time to understand the root cause of the problem
• There may be more than one right answer, so be open to exploring the options
• Use a method or process to guide your efforts in a systematic way

In contrast some of the more common ‘in-expert beliefs’ which hamper problem solving are believing that it is important to:

• Look for the ‘one’ right answer to each problem
• Never make a mistake; always be seen as getting things ‘right’
• Act quickly at all times

Thus, for example, someone may implement solutions without first obtaining a clear definition of the problem because the principle of ‘gathering the facts before you act’ conflicts with their ‘belief’ that says ‘I must act quickly’. Or, if the person has a need to ‘be right’, he/she may react badly to any suggestion that he/she hasn’t done something properly.

So, part of an effective programme is to explicitly consider what underlying assumptions, principles or beliefs the delegate currently has about the topic in question, (bearing in mind that these might be subconscious thoughts) and then examining the principles that underpin and support the tools, techniques and methodologies that will be taught on the course.

3 Capability

The third step in the Dilts’ training design model (Capability) concerns knowledge about tools, systems and techniques as they apply to the topic in hand. For example, in problem solving this would include having a problem solving process to follow (e.g. Kepner Tregoe Method, Means Ends Analysis etc.) and some analysis tools such as: Process Maps, Brainstorming, Data Checklists, The 5 Why’s, Failure Mode and Effect Analysis, and Ishikawa Diagrams. These methods can be taught through the use of lectures, case studies, demonstrations, role plays and simulations. The content can be delivered in the form of pre-work (completed via an e-learning or an on-line training package perhaps?) or delivered ‘live’ via a standard lecture format. It’s also possible to ask participants to carry out their own research on specific topics and report back their findings.

4 Behaviour

Understanding a technique or process is one thing; being able to do it is another. The fourth step in Dilts design is about physically being able to perform the task or technique, especially under pressure. For example, in boxing, you might know the mechanics of ‘slipping a punch’ but that doesn’t mean you are able to get out the way of a ‘right cross’ when someone starts an attack during a bout. Or you may have been exposed to sales methods for handling customer objections and/or hostile questions, but that doesn’t mean you can find the words you need in a ‘live’ customer meeting with a million-dollar sale on the line.

Being able to actually do something in real life means practise, and lots of it, via case studies, role-plays, exercises, worked examples, simulations, etc. It also means providing people with structured feedback and coaching as they do those exercises, so they have the chance to judge the progress they are making and to make timely corrections to any weakness that might be uncovered.

5 Environment

The fifth and final part of the model is Environment. In the training context the environment is that of the training room or lecture theatre. So, we explicitly think about how to create a safe, relaxed space for people to feel comfortable as they learn the task in hand.

However, participants want to be able to use the new skill in the work place. This means that some support and encouragement must be provided to help them to bridge the gap between the ‘safety’ of the training course and the ‘hurly burly’ of the office, shop floor or retail outlet. Typically, this will involve some kind of project-based activity to help the delegate to practise the new techniques until they become second nature.

This support activity will also mean helping them to use their tools in the context of their organisation’s culture. Also, making sure that (before any training actually runs) the culture will encourage them to use the skills they’ve been taught. There is little point (for example) in training Team Leaders in how to run Staff Appraisal Meetings but then never letting them run one because they are always conducted by the Departmental Managers.

Putting it all together

When faced with the need to develop a group of people, the first step (as it is with most things!) is to have a clear objective in mind i.e. who specifically do you want to train, and what specifically do you want them to do? E.g. to make sure our managers are managing employee performance professionally; to make sure our sales people can defend our pricing structure and aren’t conceding unnecessary discounts; to make sure that managers know how to identify and hire good quality staff etc.

The second step is to appreciate what’s involved in doing that thing well, and this is where Dilts’ Neurological Levels Model helps to map out precisely what good performance looks like.

Step three is to assess the participants against the model and work out where the gaps are.

Then step four is to build a training intervention that will close those gaps!

So what’s next?

Reflect on how effective your current training design is; are you identifying needs across all five of the Dilts’ Model Levels (Identify + Beliefs + Capability + Behaviour + Environment)?

Reading

Read this article on the fundamentals of training design (4 minute read) Designing a Training Program

On-Line

View this 12-minute-long video of Robert Dilts Talking about the Neurological Levels Model… NLP Logical Levels of learning & change

Contact

You may be interested in how we can help you design and run a Bespoke Training Programme… boulden.net/what-we-do

And finally, remember…

“It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.”
HARRY S TRUMAN